Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
