So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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