11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
