Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
