Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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