Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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