dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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