I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
