Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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