Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
What changed your mind?
Being sober
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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