I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
