Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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