Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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