Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
