I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
