Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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