i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.