Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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