It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
