Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
