we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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