I think i peed on brittanys purse
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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