turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
you never un-have a 4some
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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