so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
