Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
