The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
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Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
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So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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