Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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