So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
