accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
