just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
