I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Two words: blizzard sex
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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