We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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