she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
