I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
