Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Someone shattered a urinal.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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