if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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