So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
