One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
