Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
