Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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