I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
