I can text with my tongue
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Boobs speak an international language.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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