you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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