Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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