he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
