The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize