I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
