My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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