She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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