FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
