so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
