I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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