I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
