At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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