I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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