im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
so much tequila, so little girl.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
