It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
