the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
