Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
