I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
