and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
