Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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